*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight." I am John Oliver.
And welcome, welcome, welcome to whatever this is.
Let's get started straight away. First, quick recap of the week:
It turned out to be a rough week
for unrepentant racists and recording devices.
The owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, Donald Sterling,
was caught on audiotape telling his girlfriend
not to pose for pictures with black people
and not to then bring them to basketball games.
MAN: Sterling was upset after she posted an Instagram photo
of her with Magic Johnson.
Wow. That is genuinely shocking.
An 80-year-old man knows about Instagram?
But look, I'm sure he'll win his way back into
everyone's good graces.
Who can stay mad at that racist face?
He's like a walking "before" photo.
And impressively, impressively, this horrific human
actually managed to somehow one-up
the previous most racist person of the week,
Cliven Bundy, who finished his weeklong seminar
on the benefits of slavery by provoking the single greatest
introduction to an interview in the history of
the English language.
Mr. Bundy, I see in your arms
that you are holding a dead calf.
"Oh, this old thing?
I hadn't even noticed that I was carrying it."
And just this morning,
Catholics ended the week with a huge celebration.
WOMAN: Just a short time ago, Pope Francis presided
over a double papal canonization ceremony that elevated
Popes John Paul II and John XXIII into sainthood.
Two at once!
That's the papal-sainthood equivalent of
a KFC Double Down.
This morning was actually
historic for a number of reasons:
It's an event that may well never happen again.
In effect, 4 popes in the same place at the same time.
Pope Francis will declare that two of his predecessors
are here in spirit as saints
while the man he succeeded, Benedict XVI, looks on.
You know who I actually feel bad for there?
Pope Benedict. Because it cannot be easy
to be the fourth-most-popular pope in the room,
especially when two of the other popes are dead.
And finally, there was big Obamacare news this week:
On the positive side, signups have surpassed 8 million people.
But unfortunately, on Thursday, it turned out that
one state in particular is lagging behind.
Oregon has officially shut down its online health care exchange
after weeks of trying to fix its bulky, glitchy system.
Oregon residents will now use the federal healthcare.gov site
to sign up for medical insurance.
WOMAN: All told, taxpayers have coughed up
a whopping $248 million
for a web site that still doesn't work.
Wait, wait, wait. OK.
So, let's break all of that down:
Oregon spent a quarter of a billion dollars.
And its web site--designed to sign people up in one sitting--
did that for exactly nobody.
And they're now handing the keys over to healthcare.gov.
That has got to be a bitter pill to swallow for the people of Oregon,
or it would be, if they could get the pill, which they can't,
because their shitty web site is broken.
Now, to be fair...
[Applause]
to be fair,
to be fair to Oregon, not all of that money
was spent on the web site itself.
3 million of it was spent on
violently adorable adverts like this:
WOMAN: * Long live our Oregon spirit *
* Long live the Oregon way
* To care for each one, every daughter and son *
* Live long, Oregon
[Laughter]
Eww!
Look, we get it, Oregon. You people live in a cartoon!
Your mountains are breathtaking, your coffee is fair trade,
and everywhere you go you hear the sound of fucking ukeleles.
You've made your point, but here's the thing.
This is all very charming until you waste tens of millions
of dollars of taxpayer money on a web site that doesn't work.
Luckily, we here have prepared something
to convey that message to you in a way
that I think you'll be able to understand.
* Like artists in Portland, your site doesn't work *
* That 404 Error is not just a quirk *
* You blew all our money on these stupid sets *
* So when you break your leg, try the neighborhood vet *
* You stupid Oregon idiots
* You human Pinterest boards *
* Your passion for cuteness might kill your whole state *
* So long, Oregon
[Applause]
That's right. That's right. That's right.
We flew in Lisa Loeb to tell you
to go fuck yourselves, Oregon.
But, look, let's move on
and let's talk about election news.
And before you say it, no, I do not mean this:
How is the 2016 field shaping up?
The prospects of Hillary Clinton...
Vice President Joe Biden...
Chris Christie leading the way...
Maybe it can actually be Jeb Bush.
Rand Paul is one of the leading frontrunners.
Ted Cruz, even Donald Trump.
MAN: Could he be testing the presidential waters again?
I've got an even more important question: Who gives a shit?
[Laughter]
Because here's the frustrating thing: Cable news does not need to be
focusing on an election that's happening in 926 days
when there's an important one happening right now
that they're all completely ignoring.
The world's biggest election is underway in India.
It's the biggest election on the planet.
814 million voters eligible to vote.
Yes, the biggest election in human history
is taking place in India right now.
Nearly 1/5 of the world's working-age population lives there.
It has a direct economic impact on America.
And yet, this is the most substantive conversation about it we could find:
We're going to get questions from some writers to the program
saying what are you talking about India for?
What does that have to do with the United States?
850 million voters. WOMAN: Right.
Why should that concern us? They're not even in our hemisphere.
Yeah! Yeah! They're not even in our hemisphere,
And if they're not, they basically don't exist.
See? Look! They're not even on my globe!
They're not on my globe!
Show me where they are! You can't, can you, boy?
[Laughter]
But, look, at least the guy from Six Flags
is actually talking about this story.
Because the Indian election is not even that complicated.
Just like in American elections, all it really comes down to
is two people.
There are two key people fighting this out.
Rahul Gandhi from the Congress Party
and Narendra Modi from the BJP.
OK, great. So, let's deal with Gandhi first.
And I realize it's not the first time that sentence has been said
in a British accent.
[Laughter]
Put that aside, put that aside, put that aside.
There's no time, no time.
Rahul Gandhi, however, is-- wow, that guy is handsome.
[Laughter]
Look at that vest. He's like an Indian Han Solo.
This guy is the total political package.
He's got good looks, he's from a family with 3 former prime ministers.
He's got that vest.
With those 3 credentials, you'd think he'd have this thing
completely locked up by now.
But in the kind of twist worthy of
at least a modicum of cable news coverage,
he's actually widely expected to lose the election to this guy.
WOMAN: Narendra Modi is a leader of India's Hindu Nationalist Party.
MAN: There's a growing wave of support behind
Narendra Modi, a hard man politician
who's worked his way up from the bottom.
As a boy, he sold tea on a railway station.
Modi sold tea in a railway station,
and now he's the most popular man in the country!
Don't pretend you're not interested in this, America.
The last time you heard a rags-to-riches story
about a tea-selling Indian kid, you threw a fucking Oscar at it.
[Laughter]
And you loved that more than
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"!
C'mon, he starts as an old man and he ends as a dead baby!
It's a heartwarming tale!
Watch it again! Watch it again!
[Laughter]
That's not the point.
The point is, Modi has managed to inspire people
with his populist platform,
including a pledge to put toilets in every home.
Wow, that's a bold move, coming out as pro-toilet!
[Laughter]
Finally, someone's taking on the powerful
hastily-dug-ditch-in-a-field lobby.
This is both funny and also incredibly important
as a public-health issue.
And if that wasn't enough, in a move that I cannot believe
no American politician has tried:
Modi has been making campaign appearances via hologram.
That's right: Modi has gone Tupac at Coachella!
[Laughter]
And that's--that is how you convince...
that is how you convince undecided voters.
"So, who are you gonna vote for?"
"Modi!" "Why?"
"'Cause he appeared to me as a hologram
and told me he'd give me a toilet."
[Laughter]
That's not just how you get elected,
that's how religions get started.
And I can feel the news saying, "Well, that's all well and good.
"But where's the scandal here?
Where's the je ne sais genocide?"
Well, don't worry. Don't worry,
because Modi has got you covered.
Many believed that he played a role in the riots between
Hindus and Muslims which killed thousands back in 2002.
MAN: An explosion of communal violence
in his home state on Mr. Modi's watch still casts a shadow.
At least 1,000 people died, most of them Muslim."
Is that enough of a scandal for you?
'Cause bear in mind how much time we spent in this country
covering a story about a bridge-based traffic jam
in which the worst that happened to any Muslims involved was that
they were slightly delayed.
[Laughter]
We should care about this story!
If polls are to be believed, we may be throwing state dinners
for this guy in the near future.
And it's not just that he arguably failed to stop a massacre,
it's that if he's sorry at all, it's for an unexpected reason.
WOMAN: I asked him if he had any regrets about what had happened
in his state in that period.
He told me his greatest regret was that
he didn't manage the media very well.
Sure. I could've handled the media better.
I could've somehow spun the massacre as a positive.
And in hindsight I will say, it may not have been the best time
to do "Between Two Ferns," but...
I'm a fan of Zach. I'm a fan of Zach.
And I thought that's what people did now.
If this story isn't worth covering,
then nothing is worth covering.
And I don't mean to suggest that the American news media
have completely ignored India this week.
It's just that this is the story that they went with.
WOMAN: Panic in the streets of India.
A frightened leopard bursting from the roof of a house.
MAN: A wild scene in India, when this leopard got loose.
MAN: A leopard springs through a roof of a home in India.
WOMAN: Not where you'd imagine a leopard popping out of
a rooftop like that. It's crazy.
It's not crazy, though!
Leopards are indigenous to India.
[Laughter]
If it was a leopard in Times Square on New Year's Eve,
yes, that would be crazy, that would be insane.
You get him, leopard, you get him.
And it's also worth noting here that even as our cable news
has been ignoring India,
India has not been ignoring our cable news.
MAN: You see a lot of what may be described
as Foxification of television news.
The model seems to be Fox News in the United States,
which is famous internationally for shouting matches.
Congratulations, Fox.
You're famous internationally for shouting.
[Laughter]
By the way, they don't even get Fox in India.
They just hear them from across the ocean.
But--no, no, no. The point is,
slow down, India. Let's take a progress report.
How exactly close to American media have you come?
Do you have a ludicrous number of people
shouting at each other?
MAN: Mr. Carter wants to say something, yeah.
One second. Mr. Carter. Let's go back to the beginning.
MAN: Can I talk? Yes, I want to talk.
OK. That's one, that's one.
But do you have elaborate, senseless election graphics?
*
Incidentally, that is from CNN India.
And a little fact-check: India has just over 800 million voters.
So their own graphic is wrong by the entire population of Brazil.
[Slow clap]
You truly are a member of the CNN family.
[Laughter]
But let's get back to it.
Do you have self-righteous anchors
repeating themselves over and over again?
And how dare you bring all this--
How dare you say I take money.
You provoke--
How dare you say I take money.
No, I--I--
How dare you say I take money.
You dare--
How dare you say I take money.
...back to you.
How dare you say I take money.
How dare you--
You say this to me. How can you say I take money?
...speaking to people--
How dare you say I take money, Miss.
Holy shit, they've stolen our formula!
But you've forgotten one crucial detail here, India.
'Cause if you really want to Americanize your media,
there's one last thing you have to do:
and that is stop covering the Indian election.
And now this.
ANNOUNCER: And now...
Listen, Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.
Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.
It's a gas station masquerading as a country.
Russia is now a gas station masquerading as a country.
Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.
You know, I've said--I thought it was a pretty good line.
Russia is a gas station masquerading as a country.
[Applause]
Good joke. Good joke.
Now, let's move on. If you looked at the Supreme Court docket this week,
you may have seen an unusual case name:
Pom Wonderful versus Coca-Cola.
And if you're wondering why two beverages
are fighting each other in the highest court in the land,
it's because Pom Wonderful believes that one of Coke's products
is misleading the public.
It says "pomegranate blueberry" in big letters on the label,
but this juice is actually 99% apple and grape.
To see how much pomegranate juice is actually in this Minute Maid,
you need something as small as an eye dropper.
That's it.
Seriously? Because if that's the standard, you should really call it
"Minute Maid Pomegranate and Rat Urine Blend,"
because let's face it, there's a little rat urine in everything.
Now, you might think that Pom Wonderful is the hero here,
standing up for truth in pomegranary.
But be careful, because in Coke's defense,
they only misled us about what was in their juice.
For years, Pom Wonderful has misled us about
what's in pomegranates.
MAN: The ads make pomegranate juice sound almost miraculous.
WOMAN: "Pom Wonderful Pomegranate Juice,"
claims to have healing superpowers,
helping you to cheat death.
If you know a man that you care about or you are a man,
make him drink 8 ounces of pomegranate juice a day,
'cause what it does for prostate cancer is amazing.
Or really, just give him a pomegranate enema instead.
Just shove a bottle of pomegranate juice up his ass
and squeeze it.
You'll be amazed at the results.
The U.S. Government will let you say
just about anything about your products,
but promising immortality was too much even for them.
MAN: The Federal Trade Commission says the company's health claims
are, quote, "false and unsubstantiated"
and based on dubious research.
Which means what this case is actually about is Pom Wonderful saying,
"Hey! We didn't spend years misleading people
"about the health benefits of our snake oil
"for you to come in and lie about how much snake oil
you have in your product."
[Laughter]
And one of Coke's actual arguments this week,
in the Supreme Court, is that they're allowed to
give their product...
An argument that has the characterizing flavor of bullshit.
[Laughter]
But incredibly, incredibly, Coke may actually have legal precedent on its side.
You see, back in 1984, Kellogg's,
the folks that make candy that you can mix with milk, decided--
[Laughter]
that despite explicit recommendations not to--
they put a label on boxes of All-Bran
implying that it could ward off cancer,
saying that their right to do this is...
Which made other companies say, "We can say what we want? OK!
Let's do exactly that, then."
Which is why Hellmann's once felt they could put
a "smart choice" label on their mayonnaise,
and Cocoa Krispies boasted that they can increase your children's immunity,
which is true only in the sense that it immunizes them
from "not having diabetes."
[Applause]
And it's extremely rare for companies to be
called to account for any of this.
For instance, a few years ago, Kellogg's was forced
to stop airing this ad:
NARRATOR: A clinical study showed kids who had
a filling breakfast of Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal
improved their attentiveness by nearly 20%.
OK, two fun facts there: first, when they say "nearly 20%,"
it's because they are rounding up from 11.
And secondly, they were comparing kids
who had eaten cereal with a control group of kids
who had had no breakfast at all.
And that is not so much a case for Mini-Wheats
as it is the concept of food.
[Laughter]
A much fairer slogan would be "Frosted Mini-Wheats:
they're literally better than nothing!"
Clearly, clearly...
[Applause]
clearly, we are now at a point where food companies feel
no obligation to accurately represent
what is in their products and what they do for you,
a fact best encapsulated by this one single commercial:
NARRATOR: When you give your kids Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts
baked with real fruit, they'll rise, and you'll shine.
Fuck you.
[Laughter]
And I'll tell you why.
Because there is no significant amount of fruit in Pop-Tarts.
And within 30 seconds of eating one,
your children will not rise and shine,
they'll run around punching people in the dick before
collapsing into a puddle of tears.
Look, if there's an upside to applying
the First Amendment to food labeling,
it's that if companies can do this, then so can you.
You could, for instance, put stickers
on a bottle of Pom Wonderful claiming it
contains 4 whole Pomeranians.
Or banners saying that Frosted Mini-Wheats are...
In fact, you'd be constitutionally empowered
to go online to this address,
print a selection of labels out,
and stick them to existing food packaging.
Now, the worst thing you could do--no, no, no.
No. The worst thing you could do is go into a store
and put these products on the shelves,
because that would be breaking the law
in the funniest way imaginable.
And if you were to do it, which you absolutely should not,
do not take a photograph and send it to our show's
official Twitter account,
because that's something I would not be interested in seeing.
And--and this is key-- don't blame me if you get into trouble over this,
because even though I might be 99.7% responsible,
my .3% innocence is my characterizing flavor.
And now this.
ANNOUNCER: And now, "Last Week Tonight's"...
This week, the National Football League.
The NFL has long been renowned for its concern
with the welfare of all its employees.
But this week, one group of contractors have some constructive criticism.
WOMAN: New allegations this morning of mistreatment
by a group of Buffalo Bills cheerleaders.
The Oakland Raiders and Cincinnati Bengals
are also dealing with wage disputes.
WOMAN: Some of whom claim they were paid less than $5.00 an hour.
ANNOUNCER: Apparently $5.00 an hour is just market rate
for sideline entertainers, with one exception.
A mascot--that is the person who dresses up in the uniform of an animal, usually--
gets paid about $25,000 a year.
Plus, unlike cheerleaders, mascots get benefits.
Enjoy your doctors' visits, anthropormophic dolphin humanoid.
But while the NFL may not pay cheerleaders much in money,
the advice in their handbook is free,
and there's plenty of it.
From how much to talk to how much to eat
to which feminine hygiene products to use.
Oh, and of course, this...
WOMAN: And had to submit to a "jiggle test"
so their boss could critique their bodies.
ANNOUNCER: A jiggle test, because the sight of quivering excess fat
has no place in the NFL.
And in return for all these workplace indignities,
the NFL asks cheerleaders to do a job where they're barely heard...
[Loud cheering]
barely seen...
and the only responsibility in their job title
that of leading cheers
usurped by Jumbotrons.
Their only remaining responsibility
serving as human speed bumps for gargantuan tight ends.
[Audience gasps]
And that is why the NFL is this week's workplace of the week.
[Applause]
For our final segment tonight,
we'd like to look at the NSA.
They've had a turbulent past 10 months,
but as Director of National Intelligence James Clapper
said back in January, the intelligence community
is determined to learn their lessons.
The major takeaway for us, certainly for me,
from the past several months is that we must lean in
the direction of transparency, wherever and whenever we can.
We're gonna be transparent.
I'll start: I don't like bananas.
Now you tell me everything you've ever done in your life.
[Laughter]
Except, as we learned earlier this week,
after leaning in the direction of transparency,
Clapper didn't so much "lean away" as
"run furiously in the opposite direction."
WOMAN: Under new rules by the administration
and the nation's intel chief, James Clapper,
intelligence employees are banned from
speaking to journalists about any intelligence-related matter.
Well, that'll restore the American people's trust.
As we all know, the first step in rebuilding any relationship
is cutting off any and all communication.
Lucky for us, the ex-head of the NSA,
General Keith Alexander, retired in March,
which means that those rules no longer apply to him,
leaving him free and generous enough to speak with us.
Take a look.
General Keith Alexander is a decorated military veteran
who ran the NSA for the last 8 1/2 years.
During that time, he faced questioning
from the highest ranking officials in the land,
but now he would face the opposite of that.
So, first, General, thank you so much for sitting down with me.
Do you think that the NSA is suffering from a perception problem
with the American people at the moment,
bearing in mind that the answer to that is yes.
Uh, absolutely.
You know, the first assumption is that
you're collecting on the American people.
And therein lies the problem,
because the reality is the target is not the American people.
No. The target is not the American people,
but it seems that too often you miss the target
and you hit the American person standing next to a guy
"Whoa! Whoa! Him?"
But you see, we're not just out there gathering U.S. communications,
listening to their phone calls,
or collecting their e-mails,
but that's the first thing that people jump to.
But you are out there doing that.
You're just saying you're not, then, reading them.
You are gathering that data.
No, no. So, in terms of going after U.S. infrastructure
or sitting here in the United States talking to--
A and B talking in the United States--
we aren't collecting that.
We don't collect that.
We do collect the metadata--
a to-from number, date, time, group, and duration of a call.
That's all that's in there.
But that's not nothing.
That's significant information.
Otherwise, you wouldn't want it.
Is this the argument, then, that to get
the needle, you need the haystack?
Well, that's part of the argument.
Well, the people's concerns, I think,
are that you're not just taking the haystack,
you're taking the whole farm
and the county and the state,
and you've now got some photos of the farmer's wife
in the shower as well.
So NSA is not allowed to go do that on its own.
It has oversight.
And so what the courts, Congress,
and the administration do is say,
"If you're gonna do this, it has to comport
with the Constitution."
OLIVER: The NSA has an unblemished record
of comporting with the Constitution
and keeping tight control over its information,
with the exception of the thousands of times that,
according to the NSA's own audits,
they accidentally accessed Americans' information.
And then, of course, there was this:
MAN ON TV: The NSA admits some employees
have spied on their girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, and wives.
OLIVER: All of which prompted a simple question.
Why should the American people trust the NSA?
Well, from my perspective,
because of what they do to protect this country every day.
These are good people trying to do the right thing.
Right, but much of your reassurance there
is based on your own moral code,
the idea of you thinking,
"Well, I wouldn't abuse this power,
so why would anyone else?"
I would. I would--
If I had access to that kind of information,
I would abuse the hell out of it.
I'd be looking up information about everyone that I knew.
I know that.
Everybody who goes through the training,
they'd say, "John-- John, here's the deal.
"You're gonna get access to this data,
"but you can't use it for these things.
You can't use it for this, and you can't use it for this."
Sure, I definitely won't do that.
Where's my computer?
Right. And so, as soon as you get on the computer,
what happens... Sure.
you type in...
What's her name?
God, she screwed me over so bad.
You hit return.
There. And--
Oh, you bitch! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
If you were caught doing that,
then you would either be removed...
Or promoted.
No, because the Department of Justice
has ruled on several of those cases.
Right. OK. So finally,
let's talk about branding.
The NSA's brand has been damaged.
I think that's fair to say, right? Right.
As we learned with Blackwater,
you don't have to change the substance of anything that you do
as long as you visibly rebrand.
OK.
So let's try this.
The Washington Redskins.
It's a slightly less tainted brand than yours.
Yeah, but probably not a good one to go with.
Sorry. OK, no good. How about this?
Mr. Tiggles.
Mr. Tiggles is not just the mascot,
it's also the name of the agency,
like Chuck E. Cheese.
Then the journalists can't say,
"The NSA is storing huge amounts of data
on foreign countries."
Instead, it'd say,
"Mr. Tiggles is storing huge amounts of data..."
Isn't it clever? He's in a boot?
Oh, you've massively overstepped your bounds, Mr. Tiggles,
but I can't stay mad at you.
You just want to keep me safe.
Yeah. And I don't think that's gonna work.
OK, how about rebranding yourself
as a great listener?
The only agency in government that really listens.
That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.
Because in many ways, the NSA is the--
the perfect partner.
So, let me introduce you to the new NSA, Trevor.
I think this is good.
Tell us about your day,
everything about it.
How's Mohammed at work?
How is he? What's he been doing?
Trevor.
So if you had to choose one of these,
which would it be?
I think that's something that perhaps you could have people vote on.
OLIVER: So there you have it.
At long last, Americans are being allowed to vote
on something having to do with the NSA.
Just pick up your phone and call any number
and say "A," "B," or "C,"
into the handset.
Don't worry, your vote
will be collected.
[Cheering and applause]
If you want to watch an extended version of that interview online, go here:
My thanks to General Alexander.
Also, great thanks to Lisa Loeb.
Thank you for watching. Join us again next week.
Good night!
[Cheering and applause]
*